The Commoner's Wit
by I Am Raskolnikov
Summary: As the Host Club was closing shop for the day, Kyoya came up with a splendid little joke both commoners and aristocrats could enjoy.


All right, I take it you know where this is going... this is one of the most delightful jokes of the period. Let's go!

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN _OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB_.**

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><p>When at last the few remaining patrons left the Third Music Room, the exhausted members of Ouran Academy's Host Club fell back in their seats, exhausted. After hours upon hours of tiring work, attending to the individual needs of each lovely lady present, they could hardly muster the strength to accomplish much more. As the last copper-haired maiden flitted through the giant doors, the twins immediately leapt to their feet, closed off the entrance, and drew the bolt, before collapsing into a pair of velvet armchairs. Minutes passed, until, at last, Kyoya spoke up.<p>

"Okay, so our profits have increased by about fifteen percent in a single day. Well done, team. Now, I have a joke that should lighten everyone's day."

Although initially they all wanted to just go home and sleep, their collective interest was piqued; rarely had they seen the dark-haired gentleman crack a smile, let alone a joke. Curious, they gathered around him, one by one, filling up a single velvet sofa while they listened intently.

"Are you ready? Okay, so a family walks into a talent agency. There's a pregnant mother, a father, a nine-year-old daughter, and two twin boys who are about fourteen or fifteen. They approach this talent agent, and they say, 'sir, we have an act to show you.'

The talent agent is hesitant at first, shakes his head, and says, 'Well, we normally don't take family acts...'

The mother starts pleading, 'Please, please, sir, have pity on us! We're a poor family, and we hardly have enough to eat!'

Placing his head in his palm, the agent sighs and says, 'All right, you have five minutes. Go.'

The family springs into action. The father pushes his daughter forward, bends her over, rips off all her clothes, and starts fisting her in the cunt. She starts screaming and trying to get away, but the man is too strong, and he starts plowing her in the ass, causing her to bleed out of both holes. The older twin, meanwhile, takes his brother by the hand, strips him naked, wraps his legs around the boy's neck, and they start to sixty-nine standing up. They wind themselves around each other like two serpents, until the older one is giving the younger anal, and the younger is giving himself head. The mother gets completely aroused, spreads her legs, and begins masturbating into the air - I can't say if she was turned on by her husband screwing their child, or her two sons screwing each other. They all cum, save the mother, who is shedding her pubes like a golden retriever all over the place. The father blows his entire load inside the daughter and pushes her onto her face, causing the poor girl to cry. This turns him on again. The younger twin stops blowing himself and ejaculates on his father, and the older one ejaculates in his brother, before he gets on his knees and starts sucking the semen out of his uke's ass.

The boy starts gargling his own jizz before spitting it on the mother. The daughter starts running away from the father, leaving a trail of blood. Standing over the mother, she proceeds to take an enormous shit all over her. It fell in sheets - remember, her father did quite a number on her just a minute before, and the mother begins rubbing the feces all over her swollen belly. The younger twin stands on the talent agent's desk and starts urinating into the air. The entire family tries to catch it in their mouths. The entire family spits it skyward. It hits the ceiling, and the urine rains on all of them. Then the father bends over and stretches his anus wide - let's say about fifteen centimeters in diameter, and the twins pull a pair of knives out. They proceed to do a slice-job on their father's asshole, causing him to scream in some combination of pleasure and pain. Then, he shoots his feces into the air. It hits the daughter smack-dab in the face. The mother gets up and starts licking it off the daughter. The father then holds his hand up in a shocker and yells, 'And now, for the grand finale!'

Grandmother walks in, completely naked, holding a shivering puppy. The twins take to double-teaming the old bird, while the father lights a cigarette. The mother starts rubbing her shit-covered tits all over the dog, while the daughter starts blowing the poor creature. It ejaculates in her mouth, and the daughter vomits all over it. The twins vomit on their grandmother. The father, coming close to the end of his cigarette, puts it out in the dog's eye, takes a knife from the twins, and slices its nuts open. Poor thing lets out the mother of all howls, but it refuses to die. Father, daughter, and mother all take turns eating the creature's testicles and vas deferens. The grandmother then takes a knife from the other twin, stabs the dog in the head, and shoves it in her vagina. Then, the mother yells, 'Folks, I think I'm starting to give birth!'

They improvise. The grandmother takes a knife and waits for the baby to come out. As soon as she sees the head, she stabs it, killing it instantly, before shoving the dead baby in her vagina headfirst along with the dog. The twins attempt to bite off the baby's foreskin in a failed attempt at circumcising the little shit. Giving up, the mother rips out the baby, the father lights another cigarette, and they set it on fire. Then, they all stamp it out, eat it, and vomit on the talent agent.

And the agent just sits there for the longest time. Finally gaining the courage to speak, he says, 'God damn, that's one hell of an act, what do you call it?'

The entire family bows and declares, 'THE ARISTOCRATS!'"

Mori was the first to react, standing up and walking away. As he walked, his hand was over his stomach, and he looked like he could barely stand. The twins were laughing hysterically, until they looked at each other and realized what was going on. Tamaki had actually fainted, and Haruhi was by his side, trying to wake him up. She herself looked like she was going to vomit. Renge had started a rant on why Kyoya was "doing it wrong, and the punch line is supposed to be 'The Sophisticates.'"

As for Hunny, he just looked around. Taking a slice of cake, he crossed his legs. "I've heard this one before."


End file.
